Letting GoS

Since Saturday, things have changed.  I am beginning to mentally absorb stuff.  Over the weekend I had a major crash.  Two hrs. Sleep Thursday nite.  I didn’t want to do high salt fatty foods Friday night but I did increase the salt.  Three hrs sleep Friday night.  What is so bad is the depression that goes along with this.  I admitted to myself I wanted to die.  But I kept on doing.  I began Saturday afternoon pulling out of this, then read on my support group that I did what I was supposed to do gradually increase the salt till I begin to.feel better.  Saturday night I had a high salt supper and slept quite well.  Sunday  and Monday I slept OK.

But today was the payoff when I really have a CHEMICALLY induced slap disorder.  All of this the result of damaged adrenal glands.  So my issues with being wired and tired have their basis in poorly functioning adrenal glands, not of my own making.  When I finally accepted that it was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  That, forever I will be grateful.  Another day in the life of a Princess and the rebuilding of Humpty Dumpty.

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The Progresses

I do feel a need to list my progresses.

  1.  I am not spasming  as much as I was.
  2. My heart rate is lower.
  3. I have a better understanding of the issues.
  4. My Cardiologist is a godsend.
  5. My PCP is knowledgeable.
  6. My legs are much less swollen.
  7. Overall swelling is down.
  8. My tongue is less swollen.
  9. I am doing for myself more.
  10. My flexibility is better
  11. My walking is better.
  12. Much of the brain fog has lifted.
  13. I am doing more around the house.
  14. i can put on compression socks myself.
  15. I am very compliant with the doctor.
  16. I can read my body better.
  17. I require less salt to do the trick.
  18. I have “accepted a lot.”

Another day in the life of a Princess and the rebuilding of of Humpty Dumpty.

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Frustration and Thankfulness.

Tonight is a night of both frustration and thankfulness.  I am grateful for the blessings God has given me.  But at the same time I am frustrated with my physical limitations.  Things are not right.  I don’t know if it is my heart or the adrenals.  At times Amy insides feel tied up.  At other times I have extreme fatigue.  Sometimes I have a hard time walking through the house.  I am still short of breath.  I sit too much.  I have muscle and joint problems but am thankful I am not like it was up to a few months ago where I had NO flexibility in my joints at all.

i am afraid to go out because of the fatigue, but am going stir crazy at home. I am making myself go out to the mailbox.  I want to go out, esp. things like going to the store.  I want to be around people.  But the fatigue and brain fog get in the way.  Will I ever be normal.  I am going through the motions of life in hopes I will.

Another day in the life of a Princess and the rebuilding of Humpty Dumpty.

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Anxiety

You would think that healing would bring JOY.  But it doesn’t.   At least not completely.  Everything seems kattywompus.  I still don’t feel myself.  I feel odd but not myself.  I get bouts of anxiety, and I have to work through it. I am always scared something will go wrong.

I can’t yet count on anything.  Look at the liners I thought I was getting for my legs.  They are hard to put on.  They are not like the ones that went with the wraps.  I didn’t want to spend more money.  Now I have to.  I don’t know about my legs.  Will they heal?  The CPAP.  Will I have to wear it the rest of my life?  Much of this hinges on whether or not I lose weight, and that is a lot of weight to lose.

What about my heart?  Where is that going?  So much to feel anxious about.  And it is a two way street.  Worry doesn’t solve the problem.  I ask God to help me put away all worldly cares.  Another day in the life of a Princess and the rebuilding of Humpty Dumpty.

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A Mishmash

Today was a mishmash

of feelings.  The Adrenal Fatigue continues, but to what degree, I don’t know,  It could be better on it’s own.  My Cardiologist says I will always have trouble with the adrenals.  Some people recover, some don’t.  He wants my heart straightened out first.  So my goal is rest, and non-committing to anything.  I guess the time has come to learn to enjoy.  Do what I enjoy and enjoy what I do.

I need to keep an 1800 calorie heart healthy diet,try to lose weight, and play more.  I need to put comedy on TV.  I need to learn to enjoy massaging the dog.  Enjoy massaging my legs.  I need to just enjoy.

i am grateful to God for my heart being in rhythm.  I need to enjoy that and not look forward or backward.  I need to learn to take one day at a time, one thing at a time with no expectations.  Another day in the life of a Princess and the rebuilding of Humpty Dumpty.

 

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Fear

Fearpresents itself in many different ways.  What is so hard for me is that in recent years, I did not consider myself as a fearful person.  It wasn’t until the onset of the adrenal issues that I became fearful.  And that coincides with the increased adrenaline in the blood.  At least that is what I have observed.  The whole process has become fearful for me and I don’t like it.

I am fearful of loss of function.  I am fearful of not being able to care for myself.  That came out yesterday when I was adamant about being able to care for my legs.  I am fearful of falling apart, although the longer this goes on, the more I am convinced God is present and strengthening me.  I am fearful of my thoughts.  I want them to settle down.  I am fearful of feeling this way forever.  I am fearful of the crazy mixed up way my body feels.  I am fearful of the lack of visceral feelings.  I am fearful of the flashbacks of dreams.

I don’t know what to do about these fears.  They are pretty consistent, and are responsive to mentally working through, but, a fear is a fear.  I am working through them one fear at a time in order to overcome them.  Another day in the life of a Princess and the rebuilding of Humpty Dumpty.090A9B97-598A-4547-B989-AFF15B88C04E

The Blessing

Today was interesting.  I wanted to go to church, but I didn’t want to go.  I knew I had to get out.  So, it was hard getting going, but I got myself dressed and got out.  I was proud of myself, I tolerated standing for the whole Divine Liturgy.  An hour and a half.

But what I needed most I got.  Care and concern from the Bishop, Jim, Nancy, Bill, Esther, Pat, Gabby, Fr. Iluliu, Elena, Georgetta, Raoul, John, Rick, Jacque, Fr. Mishbrenner, his friends, Debbie Murari, Debbie Maier, and others.  I have been so isolated, it was nice that people came up to me.  The Bishop was especially nice, and Fr. Mishbrenner’s blessing meant a lot.  So the effort was worth it.

Fr. Mishbrenner really made me laugh a belly laugh.  I needed that.  Food was OK.  I was able to express my condolences to John, and was sorry to hear about Rick’s Irene.  I have good friends there and I treasure it.  That was the reason I was there.  Plus it was the announcement of my public ministry.  The evidence of which is this blog and my Facebook blog.

Another day in the life of a Princess and the rebuilding of Humpty Dumpty.

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